Archive for November, 2009

Wedding Nerves: Why memorising your wedding day speech is a no-no

Tuesday, November 17th, 2009

As mentioned in my previous blog, it transpires that 66% of grooms felt that trying to memorise their speech made their fears worse. But why?
When I interviewed the grooms concerned about their wedding day nerves I discovered that the pressure of trying to remember everything, especially on a day as big as your wedding enhances fear and paricularly anxiety. In effect fear of forgetting or going blank during the speech adds to all the other things that grooms get anxious about on their wedding day, enhansing their fear and the pressure of the day.

So what should you do if you don’t memorise your speech? In my next blog I will give you some tips on how to do a cracking speech without memorising the whole thing.

Wedding Nerves: Why memorising your wedding day speech is a no-no

Tuesday, November 17th, 2009

As mentioned in my previous blog, it transpires that 66% of grooms felt that trying to memorise their speech made their fears worse. But why?
When I interviewed the grooms concerned about their wedding day nerves I discovered that the pressure of trying to remember everything, especially on a day as big as your wedding enhances fear and paricularly anxiety. In effect fear of forgetting or going blank during the speech adds to all the other things that grooms get anxious about on their wedding day, enhansing their fear and the pressure of the day.

So what should you do if you don’t memorise your speech? In my next blog I will give you some tips on how to do a cracking speech without memorising the whole thing.

Wedding nerves; should you memorize your speech?

Saturday, November 7th, 2009
Should you memorize your speech?

Should you memorize your speech?

I have been doing a scan of advice given about wedding speeches on the internet for a booklet I am writing for the groom, best man and father of the bride who have to give speeches at weddings. One topic keeps raising it’s head. Should you memorize your speech?

Now as a father of four daughters, having been married twice myself and someone who does a fair bit of public speaking this is a topic close to my heart.

Just about every blog and article on the internet advise that you memorize your speech. So I did some research asking speech givers if memorizing their speech helped with their nerves. I asked via The Fear Course Community on the online course, through 5 other discussion boards and in a series of face-to-face interviews. In all I had 512 responses from people who had actually made a speech at a wedding and who had memorized their speech.

So does memorizing a speech help to allay public speaking nerves?

Results:

Yes it really helped: 132 (25.78%)

No it made them worse: 339 (66.2%)

I’m not sure it made any difference: 41 (8%)

So the vast majority thought memorizing the speech made their nerves worse. But why?

Emotional Resilience and asking stupid questions

Friday, November 6th, 2009
Ask a silly question.

Ask a silly question.

How many times have you not asked a question for fear of looking daft?

I do a lot of work in organisations as a consultant and coach. One of the things being an outsider gives you is the ability to ask ’stupid’ questions without people looking to the sky and tutting. Actually even when I was in an organisation I was always pretty good at asking stupid questions.

Anyway what I have frequently found is that it is the stupid question that unblocks things.

A recent example comes from a group I was working with who kept using the phrase “Learning Culture”. I listened for a while and then wondered what they meant. So I asked “What do you mean by learning culture?” Simple question really.

One of the group looked at me and shook his head in horror. However there was total silence. Not one of the group could answer the question even though they were engaged in trying to develop ‘a learning culture’.

As it happened this question unblocked the whole discussion and moved the group on a long way.

I just wonder how often people get into conversations at work, hear phrases or ideas, wonder what they are and don’t ask for fear of looking stupid? I wonder how many projects go T.U. because people are scared to ask or to point out flaws in things at work? I wonder how many bosses don’t get the truth about what is really happening and all because of a lack of emotional resilience?

A bit of emotional resilience would help organisations in lots of ways…

Emotional resilience, emotional maturity, emotion regulation and impulse control

Tuesday, November 3rd, 2009

I have been doing a lot of research around the subject of emotional resilience, particularly from a medical / neurological perspective.
There are a couple of terms that are emerging from the literature which are very useful and really need to enter the public lexicon; emotion regulation and impulse control.

Emotional resilience is largely becoming seen as the ability to bounce back after some negative emotional event.

Emotion regulation is somewhat of a bigger concept than emotional resilience and includes the idea of ’state control’ or the ability to consciously change emotional state at will and is used extensively in the medical literature.

Both ‘emotional resilience’ and ‘emotion regulation’ are frequently used interchangeably in the literature.

Impulse control is an interesting concept that is often linked to emotional regulation. Reading the literature researchers are clearly seeing impulse control as separate (but linked) from emotion regulation. When you think about it impulses are more of a ‘knee jerk’ habit than a pure emotion. Impulses are drives towards a certain behaviour, they have an emotional basis and are either a direct response to an emotion or are behavioural or cognitive habit that has become associated to an emotion.

Emotional maturity is a catchall judgment / description or measurement of the level of emotional acuity a person has in comparison to others. Maturity is a comparative concept. It tends to be used to incorporate all of the above terms and more.

Just doing a quick literature search I found the following:

In the management / leadership literature the term emotional resilience is the most frequently used term. There is very little reference to impulse control.

In the medical literature ‘emotional resilience’ is a growing phrase used and has recently overtaken ‘emotion regulation’ and ‘impulse control’ in terms of popularity. Neurological papers tend to talk more about emotion regulation than other types of medical research articles. In total there are more articles about emotion regulation its just that the idea of emotional resilience has recently overtaken emotion regulation in terms of use.

Emotional resilience is most often used in psychological research journals with emotion regulation and impulse control following close behind.

Psychiatry journals tend to refer to emotion regulation above all other terms.

Reading the articles I do get the sense that the terms emotional resilience and emotion regulation are being used interchangeably even though they do have different meanings. In the public especially the realm of the internet when you put the terms in parenthesis the following falls out:

“Emotional Resilience” 72,000 hits

“Emotion Regulation” returns 165,000 hits

“Impulse control” brings back a whopping 603,000 hits

“Emotional maturity” has 253,000 results.

But what about terms searched for? These figures are terms searched for globally per month.

Emotional resilience has approx 1,900 searches per month

Emotion regulation has 6,600 searches per month

Emotional maturity also has about 6,600 searches per month

Impulse control has approximately 22,200 searches per month.

Interesting…

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